Garlic and the Tennis Ball Throwers of Leek
by Barnabus Peach
Summary: Another humorous parody on a beloved Bible story. Intended for children aged K-4th grade.


Garlic and the Tennis Ball-Throwers of Leek  
  
By Barnabus Peach  
  
There was once a king who ruled over the land of Onion. He was a great and mighty king who took care of his people. He provided clothes for them to wear and food for them to eat. All in all, he was a really nice guy. In return for everything he did for his people, all he asked was that they show their gratitude by tossing tennis balls in the air daily.  
  
However, his people got bad attitudes one election year and chose rulers who weren't all that cool, President Butterball and Lady Cockroach. Butterball was mean and ate too much, and his wife, the Lady Cockroach, wore bad makeup.   
  
Then, one day, someone new came to the land of Onion. The people called him, Leek. To be quite honest, in comparison to the King of Onion, Leek was a nerd. He wore ugly shirts, ugly pants, and his hair was always messed up. But for some reason, the Lady Cockroach adored him. She thought Leek was wonderful, in spite of his horrendous table manners. So, Lady Cockroach went before the people of the Land of Onion and made an announcement.   
  
"My fair people, this masterful being known as Leek has become our new King. He's is far better than that old one who's been here for so long. Leek will let you do whatever you want. Forget throwing tennis balls in the air for a king who you never see. Throw tennis balls in the air for Leek. You can see him!"  
  
Soon, all of the Onionites had begun to throw tennis balls in the name of Leek.  
  
Then, one day, the real king spoke to a man named Garlic. The real king told Garlic to go to the President of Onion and ask him to stop his people from throwing tennis balls for Leek. Garlic needed to remind Butterball that the people should only throw tennis balls for him because he was their true king and Leek was an imposter.  
  
Garlic packed his bags and went right away to the palace in Onion. He went before President Butterball and Lady Cockroach, and he said, "Stop throwing tennis balls for Leek. Only the true king must have such an honor."  
  
"Who are you to order us around?" snorted Butterball.  
  
"I am a spokesperson for the true king, and I have come to tell you to throw tennis balls only for him!"  
  
"Go away, you silly man," screeched Lady Cockroach. "Leek is the only person we will throw tennis balls for."  
  
"But most people in Onion throw tennis balls for both Leek and the true king. This is wrong."  
  
"Whatever makes our people happy makes us happy," said Butterball.  
  
"I suggest a contest, then," said Garlic. "My king against Leek, your king."  
  
"I accept," said Lady Cockroach. "Leek can beat your king any where, any place, and at any time."  
  
So, Lady Cockroach dragged Leek to the top of Mount Pepperoni along with four of his most devoted tennis ball-throwers. They met Garlic at the top of the mountain. Some of the Onionites came too, just to see what was going to happen.  
  
"People of Onion," Garlic turned to the Onionites, "how long are you going to throw tennis balls for both the true king and Leek? If the true king is the real king, only throw tennis balls for him. And if you think Leek is the true king, only throw tennis balls for him."  
  
None of the Onionites responded.  
  
"I think I'm the only person here anymore who wants to serve the real king," said Garlic. "Because I'm the only one standing here for the true king, while the rest of you stand on the side of the imposter, Leek. So, here is what we're going to do. Bring me two donuts!"  
  
A servant brought two donuts to Garlic, and he set them both on the table.  
  
"There are two donuts here. You tennis ball-throwers of Leek may choose whichever donut you would like, and you can cut it up however you want. Put Leek before the donut and get him to eat the donut. Then, I will ask the real king to do the same. Whoever will eat the donut is the true king."  
  
Everyone agreed.   
  
Garlic told the throwers of Leek to go first, and they did. Garlic reclined under a tree while he watched the throwers. They bowed before Leek and they threw their tennis balls furiously.  
  
"Oh, great Leek! Please eat the donut!" cried one of the throwers.   
  
But Leek just looked at the donut.  
  
The four throwers decided to dance around Leek while they threw their tennis balls, hoping that the movement would make him hungry.  
  
"Oh, great Leek! Eat the scrumptious donut!" cried another thrower.  
  
Still Leek just stared at the donut.  
  
"What's the matter?" Garlic laughed. "I think you might need to shout louder. I don't think Leek can hear you."  
  
So the throwers yelled even louder and threw their tennis balls even faster.   
  
"Mighty Leek, devour the donut!"  
  
Still, Leek only stared and scratched his head.  
  
"Perhaps Leek is sleeping and needs to be awakened," said Garlic with a laugh.  
  
"Consume it, oh great and mighty Leek!" screamed one of the throwers.  
  
One thrower even hit Leek with a tennis ball.  
  
But it seemed nothing could make him eat the donut.  
  
"Time's up," said Garlic. "All right you Onionites, come over here. See this? This is my donut. It looks just like Leek's donut. It's exactly like it. But watch. See this? This is a magic pepper called a Jalapeno. It makes whatever food it touches very very spicy, so spicy that most people can't eat it!"  
  
And Garlic rubbed the Jalapeno on the donut.  
  
But Garlic didn't stop there.  
  
'See this? This is chili sauce – lizard green chili pepper sauce from the faraway land of Colorado. This stuff's so hot, if you eat it, it'll burn your grandson's tongue. Yes, siree, hot stuff this is."  
  
And Garlic dumped the hot sauce on the donut.  
  
But he didn't stop there.  
  
"See this? This is a spice called Achewitmakyasneese. It can possibly make anyone who eats it very very ill. It is a rare root from the Gabarabara tree."  
  
And Garlic put the spice on the donut.  
  
"Now, who in his right mind would eat this donut?" he asked the people. "No one. It will make your mouth burn, your nose run, and you won't be able to stop sneezing. Unless, you are a king."  
  
So Garlic looked up at the sky.  
  
"Oh mighty King, you are the true king. Come now and eat this donut, so that you can prove to your people that you are the only king.  
  
Suddenly, the world went dark, and the tennis ball-throwers screamed in terror. The donut rose off of the table and disappeared into the clouds.  
  
Immediately, the Onionites began throwing tennis balls and saying, "The true king is the real king! We only throw tennis balls for him!"  
  
Garlic stood before the Onionites and said, "Now that you know who the real king is, get rid of this imposter and his false tennis ball throwers!"  
  
The Onionites picked up tennis rackets and chased Leek and his false tennis ball-throwers away, and no one ever threw another tennis ball for Leek ever again. 


End file.
